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Official BMW response: there is a disclaimer on the website saying that there may be inconsistencies in what's advertised and what's actually on the vehicle. It's up to the customer to confirm features exist on their vehicle before purchasing.
Sickening. The correct response is "sorry, we messed up, we'll get it right next time by improving our website quality assurance", but they said it was my fault for not checking. They said I should have asked the sales rep, when I said I did and he said it was there but he didn't know how to work it, she said I should have checked further. What?
Minus points for BMW brand.
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