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Inspired by XutvJet's tophat (or top mount) theory, I dropped Vorshlag a line and they confirmed that the noise, from their experience, does indeed originate from the tophats and not from the swaybar walking. They also confirmed that the steering rack issue is an entirely different problem related to steering inputs at low speeds/stationary, not to be confused with brake pads tapping against rotors. Regardless I'll check that the rods are straight.
After this news, I called by local BMW shop who also confirmed that this is usually the problem - in fact, it apparently happens on some F30/F8X cars as well. According to them, the clunk/chatter noise is entirely eliminated from every car post coilover/vorshlag plate install.
I'll give it a shot and report back.
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